Working and Upgrading Skills
January 8, 2018
Author: Bianca Yang
My attitude towards my work goes through violent phases. I just got out of rather low period of feeling like I really should cut back on my time with the company. Most of my feelings of lowness come from the deep sense of boredom I feel towards my responsibilities. During my most recent summer internship, this feeling of boredom struck me hard because I was really only expected to refine, not create. There is rarely joy in debugging code, and the gratification I got from a successful run quickly fell to all-time lows. I find little joy in refining code to fix some minor detail. If, in the process of fixing my code, I find that there were serious design or performance flaws, I can get pretty excited about rewriting or rearranging the necessary parts.
“The thought of having to expend my creative energy on things that make practical everyday life more refined, with a bleak capital gain as the goal, was unbearable to me. - Einstein
My boredom can also stem out of a desire to just not be at work. Sometimes I just want to be at home, working on upgrading or acquiring some other skills which have caught my fancy. Sometimes I go back to an old desire of mine to be rich and financially independent so I could just do whatever I want all day long. As much as I enjoy escaping into that fantasy, I am pretty sure that kind of lifestyle would cause my mind to rot away. Then again, perhaps I’m imaging the wrong kind of lifestyle I would live in that situation. Perhaps I’d have a great house, one with a soundproof music studio, a tennis court, a nice grassy area and a view over some water and nature, access to a forest, an art studio, no television, a race track etc. I am clearly not up for the minimalist life. Maybe in that lifestyle, I would be motivated enough to occupy myself in the outside world that I wouldn’t fall to pieces in front of the computer screen.
I desire psychological security and strength, but perhaps Alan Watts can enlighten me to the Wisdom of Insecurity. I just opened the pdf on my computer and plan to start reading it this week. I could use a harsh jolt in my life to make things line up better. I want to have fewer worries in life. As much as I want to claim that I buck the desire for stability, I know understand how deeply I desire stability. I need to grow up and face my realities.
I once came to the conclusion that I can only be acknowledged and recompensed by society if I produce. I have to be part of the creative process. And yet, my consumption of meaningful content is so low so far that I hardly have anything to create. My bad internet habits are also holding me back from being truly productive on things I want to be productive on. I have much to fix, but I’m not going to give up on the better life I’m trying to construct. There is too much beauty in the future for me to give on moving forward.
Some of the things I am working to get better at now are: Modeling and Animation in Maya Drawing Songwriting
I would like to put storytelling on that list, but I know that would be a blatant lie.
I have grown tired of the software world and am now pursuing these activities because they’re fun distractions from my occupation. I think life as an artist would suck, so I’m going to maintain a primary occupation in software and pursue art on the side. It would be nice to become financially independent through either means.